Q- Have your deceptions caused you to not believe others so easily?
Answer- Absolutely. After my own extended duration of feeling ‘possessed’ with addiction, and the extent that I was hiding and protecting it, I realize how easy that was for me. Addiction generates an incredible wall of denial around it. I believe that I have a fairly good and honorable nature but this compulsion overtook that nature entirely. I was obviously lying to my wife but I was even lying to my addiction therapist and 12-Step groups, thinking that if I could convince others that I was doing good then I must be. But the biggest lie was to myself. If I could honestly believe that I was doing OK and getting away with lying to myself then the split within me was beyond my control. Luckily I was not that good of a liar and was tripped up by my own convoluted layers of excuses that eventually became too complicated and unsubstantiated, so just dissolved, leaving me exposed and honest. So, yes, my own ability to deceive even loved ones (who knew me really well!) caused me to wonder how often, and how deep other people’s deceptions might be. All in all, not a great way to live. Today, living a transparent life has allowed me to expect that same level of honesty from others I interact with.
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February 26, 2012 at 22:56
RAMPout.com
I have recovered from a pornography addiction. I kept my recovery a secret from my wife because of her negative attitude toward the disease.
It worked out pretty well for me. After I overcame the addiction in 10 months, I told her about it. She was skeptical and kind of negative, but it was already done.
To me there are three types of partners that a recovering addict can have. I list them in the order of helpfulness to some who is recovering and they are:
1. A positive supporter who uses positive reinforcement and avoids negative reinforcement. Is supportive of the addicted person but will not accept anything else than a healed and addictive free brain.
2. A negative supporter who does not understand an addiction and does not tolerate slips. Makes threats and uses negative reinforcement at any regression in the addiction. Is skeptical of any advancement and looks at slips as proofs of failure.
3 A co-dependent supporter who encourages the addiction and may even participate in the addiction. They may not believe change is possible and would rather not see change happen. They are more scared of change than keeping life the same. They fight any advancement made toward recovery with providing the opportunity to have a slip.
My wife was a category 2. I found keeping it a secret was the best way to keep me on track.
While you used lies to keep the addiction going, sometimes keeping the recovery a secret as well, in some cases, might be beneficial.
Best of luck in your recovery. It can be done.
February 27, 2012 at 01:22
Lili Bee
Thanks for writing in- we appreciate your participation here. I will have to disagree with you that there are three types of partners. There are as many types of partners as there are addicts. I work with this population every day and I’ve come to appreciate their uniqueness, much like snowflakes, no two alike. Just as the sex addict/compulsive’s (SAC’s) addiction is shaped by many factors, so is the partner’s response to discovering that they’re with an addict.
I wouldn’t fit into any of your three categories. My SAC was neither slipping nor relapsing. He was outright LYING about having quit, time and time again. After being repeatedly devastated from attempts to save our relationship (and him!) I had to leave him. Would you then call me a negative supporter? I would call me a supportive partner whose support didn’t matter enough to him. There are many like me out here, and I suspect none of us would take kindly to being labeled anything but incredibly patient, loving, generous and loyal.
I’m not purposely trying to be hard on you, but I fail to see the advantages of categorizing one’s partner. The fact that one can keep an addiction like this and and the recovery from it a secret, then spill the beans and expect positive regard as a result, is pretty audacious. Be grateful that she stayed with you.
We are glad that you were able to overcome your porn addiction, and for this we congratulate you. Regardless of how one’s partner takes this incredibly hard-to-hear piece of news, sex addiction is one of the most difficult to overcome and we applaud that you were able to do so.
What we’re trying to do at PoSARC is find empathy for the partners, even as we learn about how necessary it is for the addicts earnestly doing recovery to also receive empathy. It works best when both can practice that empathy, though it’s incumbent on the addict to repair a whole lot of damage he’s done. An addict’s spouse should not be ‘expected’ to empathize for some time as their experiences with the addict have left them extremely damaged on many levels. Something to contemplate..
April 14, 2012 at 11:59
deelmo
I appreciate your comments but please take a moment to consider your own words. “A negative attitude”. What’s there to be positive about. You (the user) have destroyed your wife’s world. You destroyed her respect of you. You destroyed your own integrity. How can this situation be anything remotely “positive”. Your spouse has to live forever with what you did. So do you. But you could have done something else besides porn. Something that would not have destroyed another person who did you no harm. Please don’t use that “negative” attitude word towards YOUR VICTIM!!