Q- Have your deceptions caused you to not believe others so easily?
Answer- Absolutely. After my own extended duration of feeling ‘possessed’ with addiction, and the extent that I was hiding and protecting it, I realize how easy that was for me. Addiction generates an incredible wall of denial around it. I believe that I have a fairly good and honorable nature but this compulsion overtook that nature entirely. I was obviously lying to my wife but I was even lying to my addiction therapist and 12-Step groups, thinking that if I could convince others that I was doing good then I must be. But the biggest lie was to myself. If I could honestly believe that I was doing OK and getting away with lying to myself then the split within me was beyond my control. Luckily I was not that good of a liar and was tripped up by my own convoluted layers of excuses that eventually became too complicated and unsubstantiated, so just dissolved, leaving me exposed and honest. So, yes, my own ability to deceive even loved ones (who knew me really well!) caused me to wonder how often, and how deep other people’s deceptions might be. All in all, not a great way to live. Today, living a transparent life has allowed me to expect that same level of honesty from others I interact with.
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February 26, 2012 at 22:56
RAMPout.com
I have recovered from a pornography addiction. I kept my recovery a secret from my wife because of her negative attitude toward the disease.
It worked out pretty well for me. After I overcame the addiction in 10 months, I told her about it. She was skeptical and kind of negative, but it was already done.
To me there are three types of partners that a recovering addict can have. I list them in the order of helpfulness to some who is recovering and they are:
1. A positive supporter who uses positive reinforcement and avoids negative reinforcement. Is supportive of the addicted person but will not accept anything else than a healed and addictive free brain.
2. A negative supporter who does not understand an addiction and does not tolerate slips. Makes threats and uses negative reinforcement at any regression in the addiction. Is skeptical of any advancement and looks at slips as proofs of failure.
3 A co-dependent supporter who encourages the addiction and may even participate in the addiction. They may not believe change is possible and would rather not see change happen. They are more scared of change than keeping life the same. They fight any advancement made toward recovery with providing the opportunity to have a slip.
My wife was a category 2. I found keeping it a secret was the best way to keep me on track.
While you used lies to keep the addiction going, sometimes keeping the recovery a secret as well, in some cases, might be beneficial.
Best of luck in your recovery. It can be done.
August 16, 2012 at 22:26
Monica M
My husband kept his addiction (he was a “Seduction Addict”, had multiple and short affairs, with no emotional involvement, for about 7 years, we’ve been together for 29 and married for almost 27), a secret, leading a double life….he kept his recovery a secret too. I found out because he left his email open, and I wanted to go to a specific date in 2009 when a woman called me and told me she had met him at a Dating site, and they had sex four times, and he just manipulated me so well, so I believed him and not this woman….so in May of 2012, i just wanted to see an email of this “deranged woman” and found out a double life, much more than I could have EVER imagine.
Needless to say, I’m still almost 3 months in, still crying at night, asking myself if this is worth a try…he -and I could corroborate it through all the information i was able to gather- that he had stopped the behavior 5 months prior. He confessed it was difficult, but he stopped, because he loves me and didn’t want to do this anymore.- We have three teenage children and he would be devastated if they knew….Since me finding out, he has been in therapy and is now an open book. Where before he had secret passwords, he is now completely open with me, calling me right away when I call, giving me the password to his email account, and since I installed a spyware in both our computers, I can say he has kept his word. He tells me that I’m having a hard time with this, because I was’t part of the recovery, because I coudln’t prevent nor stop the behaviour…but I told him very firmly, that I will support him 100% NOW, and not ever again. This is not a threat, it is my bottom line. I need a man i can trust, and if he can’t be that man, then, we must part, so he can go on and live the life he wants.
Now I am obsessed about this, and afraid, terribly afraid it will happen again. Since I was so completely clueless….I don’t know I will notice if he does start the behaviour again…
He is doing everything right, but if he had a choice, i would have never openned that email account, this would have been something he would have taken to the grave,,,and that makes me very nervous, because I’m convinced that without acknowledging his wrong, without therapy, he was going to go back to this behaviour….and i worried he is doing all this because he knows it is what he should do, and it is what i want…but is he doing it because he wants?
He tells me i’m the love of his life, and again is a very different person than a few months ago…but he is also quite narcissistic and i worry about his need of constant validation…which is, according to his therapist the reason he started all this….as an escape from some family issues (daughter had an eating disorder, mortgage, job) and his horrible childhood….but…will I be able to give him that validation? He was faithful for 20 years…i always felt loved and cared for..but the last 7 years, the ones he has been “addicted” to seducing sooo many women, telling them he was divorced, seeing them no more than three times if the woman didn’t have sex by then, he’ll “drop her”…..coming home and getting in my bed after being with someone else…I was pulling away from him, i didn’t like the person he had become, always moody, putting me and the children down, we never seemed to do anything right….now I see those times, as his excuse to do all this….
I’m in love with him, so much so.. that I will stay with him through this, his treatment, our couples counselling that should start soon, but I won’t ever be lied to, or talked down to, or disrespected in such a way, that is my bottom line, and I believe he knows that.
What are your thoughts? Is there anything i can do to help his recovery? our relationship to be more open? I do talk abou this much more than I should, is like I’m obssessed by all this, I can’t imagine how someone I loved, known, respected, could do such a horrible thing to US…..I just can’t look at him the same way, and I don’t know if I ever willl….but I must try at least.
Thank you!
February 27, 2012 at 01:22
Lili Bee
Thanks for writing in- we appreciate your participation here. I will have to disagree with you that there are three types of partners. There are as many types of partners as there are addicts. I work with this population every day and I’ve come to appreciate their uniqueness, much like snowflakes, no two alike. Just as the sex addict/compulsive’s (SAC’s) addiction is shaped by many factors, so is the partner’s response to discovering that they’re with an addict.
I wouldn’t fit into any of your three categories. My SAC was neither slipping nor relapsing. He was outright LYING about having quit, time and time again. After being repeatedly devastated from attempts to save our relationship (and him!) I had to leave him. Would you then call me a negative supporter? I would call me a supportive partner whose support didn’t matter enough to him. There are many like me out here, and I suspect none of us would take kindly to being labeled anything but incredibly patient, loving, generous and loyal.
I’m not purposely trying to be hard on you, but I fail to see the advantages of categorizing one’s partner. The fact that one can keep an addiction like this and and the recovery from it a secret, then spill the beans and expect positive regard as a result, is pretty audacious. Be grateful that she stayed with you.
We are glad that you were able to overcome your porn addiction, and for this we congratulate you. Regardless of how one’s partner takes this incredibly hard-to-hear piece of news, sex addiction is one of the most difficult to overcome and we applaud that you were able to do so.
What we’re trying to do at PoSARC is find empathy for the partners, even as we learn about how necessary it is for the addicts earnestly doing recovery to also receive empathy. It works best when both can practice that empathy, though it’s incumbent on the addict to repair a whole lot of damage he’s done. An addict’s spouse should not be ‘expected’ to empathize for some time as their experiences with the addict have left them extremely damaged on many levels. Something to contemplate..
April 14, 2012 at 11:59
deelmo
I appreciate your comments but please take a moment to consider your own words. “A negative attitude”. What’s there to be positive about. You (the user) have destroyed your wife’s world. You destroyed her respect of you. You destroyed your own integrity. How can this situation be anything remotely “positive”. Your spouse has to live forever with what you did. So do you. But you could have done something else besides porn. Something that would not have destroyed another person who did you no harm. Please don’t use that “negative” attitude word towards YOUR VICTIM!!
July 9, 2012 at 11:12
Tania Rochelle
Oh wow. A “recovering” SA whose “recovery” is based on more deception. Give your partner the truth she needs to make decisions for HER OWN LIFE. This is a typical narcissistic approach to everything: controlling others, making choices for others, self-serving conduct at every turn. You may be sober, but that is all.
I’d be curious to know the status of this relationship now, four months later.