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I want to say a whole-hearted THANK YOU to all the many who reached out to us here at PoSARC which is headquartered in New York City. Amidst the incredible devastation everyone in the country is watching on newsfeeds, there have been so many loving and supportive e-mails, phone calls and texts coming in daily.
The outpouring of love, prayers and compassion has caused my heart to be opened wide, renewed in its knowing of our basic human goodness, concern and caring for one another.
I’ve had offers of help, offers of whatever may be needed here in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy by PoSAs (partners of sex addicts) whom I’ve had the great fortune to know and work with. Some of you are colleagues, some are clients. To all of you, thank you for showering us with such kindness. I am incredibly moved by your huge hearts.
I spoke the other night with a colleague, a fellow PoSA Coach in Tucson. Jodi was gravely concerned after watching the News and called me. We ended up talking about how we both had gotten so used to storms since outer hurricanes mimic the internal storms we witness daily in our clients who are in the midst of having discovered sex addiction in their marriages/partnerships.
As I was walking home from a session that night after all of our city’s mass transit had been shut down in anticipation of the arriving storm, I watched the ominous clouds amassing in the sky above Manhattan. The huge trees in Central Park started being bent down by the wind, debris started flying around and I stood transfixed by an eddy of leaves and paper, dancing in a furious cyclone fifty feet up in the air.
As the skies darkened further and I got indoors, I watched as my city garden, planted on my sheltered set-back roof, was being battered by the relentless storm winds. Within an hour it was flattened. A wet and frightened cat, apparently lost, appeared at my roof window, meowing and begging to be let inside before the winds could pick it up and toss it over the edge. And everywhere- the sound of ambulances and firetrucks, a wailing of sirens amidst the howling wind.
I thought about how very much like Discovery this was. The world goes upside down and nothing makes sense anymore. Assurance of our safety flies out the window, replaced by a flood of fear that rushes through us at all hours of the day and night, making sleep or rest impossible. One cannot find an anchor to which one can hold tight because one can no longer trust that anything is what it seemed to be before the storm hit. The person one would most trust in an outer storm is now the cause of the inner storm, the person from which one must actually shield oneself against. The only sure bet is that buying stock in Kleenex would probably be a sound investment for the days to come.
No wonder outer storms leave me pretty unfazed nowadays. Yes, they’re fearsome and create huge swaths of destruction, but clean-up will still happen and in a few weeks or months, life will resume as normal, as it was before.
In many or even most cases, there will be no evidence remaining of the prior storm and everything will even have the gleam of the “new” on it: new bridges, new homes built, shiny fresh neighborhoods with new trees planted.
In our life as PoSAs, such a day does not arrive after our personal storm has struck and devastated us. At least not for a very long time.
In a real hurricane, one of the most heart-warming aspects is how it brings people together to help each other. Everyone shares resources, rolls up their sleeves, food drives are organized, goodwill is seen in abundance, there are hugs all around. The whole country raises money to help you rebuild, and churches on every corner are holding prayer vigils for those affected.
When the storm called sex addiction invades your most cherished relationship, you are utterly alone, broken and terrified. Your intuition tells you you’d better ride this storm out without telling a single soul. And so you do. Although it is a death, the death of all you held dear, the sacredness of your partnership, no one brings you casseroles so you don’t have to cook for a few days. No one offers to babysit the kids while you get in your car and drive somewhere quiet to break down and sob. You are alone in your despair.
And hopefully you will find good support and help in the days after Discovery so you can start to stabilize yourself. Eventually you will rebuild your life, with or without the sex addict, but never without the scars left behind by that merciless storm.
For those of us who’ve weathered and survived our own sex-addiction hurricanes and now help others, we know the work has just begun. After surviving our own personal battles, we are out here working against great odds and amidst even greater opposition to deal with the bigger battle, the nearly-complete pornification of our culture and all the devastation it brings with it.
And so we soldier on, newly revitalized by the love and well-wishes of all of you during this time of outer storms. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your thoughtfulness and immense generosity of spirit. This is what heals the world, of that I am convinced.
May your darkest times be met with love and support,
Lili
Greetings Fellow PoSAs!
From time to time I have received requests from some of you for a Partner’s Retreat, a place to go get healing of our own for the ravages sex addiction has brought into our lives. You’re probably already familiar with the amazing Barbara Steffans, Ph.D,, author of Your Sexually Addicted Spouse.
You may not know that Dr. Omar Minwalla, founder of the Institute for Sexual Health in Beverly Hills, CA, is the other significant champion of the Trauma Model for PoSAs, instead of the Co-Addict model we generally do not agree with.
Though we don’t normally run ads on this site, I feel this Retreat/Workshop given at Dr. Minwalla’s center, would be well worth knowing about and attending.
Please take a look and think about anyone else you know who may be suffering the effects of sex addiction in their marriage or partnership.
I can personally attest to Dr. Minwalla’s program being aligned with the way we at PoSARC see ourselves: as survivors of sex addicts.
We at PoSARC know that we are trauma survivors, left with our own compound wounds created by the severe relational ruptures of chronic infidelity.
Finally, there is a Workshop that will address the myriad issues we face, only this time instead of labeling us codependent or co-addicted, or alluding to our knowing about and colluding on some level with the addict’s behaviors, we are being treated with compassion, as victims of a cruel disease that usually leaves us decimated.
We are proud to present this Workshop and know that you will benefit from the healing approaches that are being offered there.
Institute for Sexual Health
July 16-21: Partners and Spouses Impacted by Sex Addiction Six-Day Clinical Intensive
ISH offers its highly innovative Six-Day education and support intensive for partners impacted by sex addiction and compulsivity. Our partner-centered curriculum provides vital information and support regarding sex addiction-induced trauma. The intensive involves a structured, organized group process of the 12 dimensions of trauma often experienced by partners and spouses impacted by sex addiction. Our program addresses the psychological, emotional, sexual, relational, and treatment needs of partners and spouses. The program also integrates expressive therapies and trauma-based regulation. The intensive utilizes an empowerment model that is designed to optimize safety, validation, empathy, support, and resiliency.
ISH is a strong advocate for evolution in the field towards a model that recognizes and treats the significant trauma symptoms (C-PTSD) experienced by partners that results directly from the consequences of sex addiction and compulsive sexual behavior and the associated patterns of relational perpetration, violation and covert abuse in the context of an intimate relationship. We do not endorse or use a "co-sex addiction" model to understand or treat a partner or spouse impacted by sex addiction and patterns of relational violation.
Dates for Partners Impacted by Sex Addiction Intensive:
July 16 -21, 2012
Treatment Schedule:
- Program Length: 6 consecutive days
- Daily Attendance: 6-9 Hours per days
Click here or call 310-286-1300 for more information.
Location:
400 S. Beverly Drive,
Ste 316
Beverly Hills, CA 90212
310-286-1300
Groupon Promotes Sex Tourism and the Normalization of Porn
PornHarms.com has an initiative to boycott Groupon and we at PoSARC fully support that effort. If you have never been a clicktivist, this might be a good place to begin. Clicktivism is signing an online petition to register your position. And it is effective. We at PoSARC are asking you to both sign this petition and boycott Groupon until they change their existing policies.
How Porn Hurts Us
by Lili Bee
Have you ever struggled to convey how deeply porn use disturbs you without tripping over your words? Without stammering? What about when the points you want to make about it reflect very strong beliefs you hold, but the person you’re conversing with not only doesn’t agree, but they don’t even seem to care?
Anticipating just such trouble ahead, have you ever rehearsed your points beforehand so you can confront someone later, only to have your anger get the better of you and instead your husband (or partner) dismisses your concerns?
I got a call last week from a producer of a huge daytime talk show, hosted by a celebrity and all. They wanted to know if I had ever been on TV before because they’d like me to appear in an upcoming episode they were putting together. I got all excited and then remembered I never asked, “What’s the show going to be about?”
Q- Assuming that you were hiding your addiction from your wife (or partner) was there ever a time before your discovery that you felt compelled to come out with it, to tell the truth?
A Very Blessed 2012 to You All!
Last night, New Year’s Eve, some dear friends came over and I suggested that before running off to various other parties that beckoned, that we share three things with each other:
What one thing were we most grateful for in this past year?
What one thing were we willing to let go of in 2012?
What were we feeling brave enough to consciously bring into our lives in the upcoming year?
Q- Why do addicts seem so cavalier about whether the relationship survives or not? He does not seem to care unless he’s being kicked out or I threaten to break up with him.
Q- Why don’t addicts ask us partners questions to better understand what we have been through and what we now currently need from them? They seem to have no interest in anything but themselves.
Q- Please describe a genuine apology/amends-making. His apologies seem feeble and he does not seem in the least bit sorry that he hurt me, he seems sorry that he got caught.
