http://www.posarc.com/blog

I want to say a whole-hearted THANK YOU to all the many who reached out to us here at PoSARC which is headquartered in New York City. Amidst the incredible devastation everyone in the country is watching on newsfeeds, there have been so many loving and supportive e-mails, phone calls and texts coming in daily.

The outpouring of love, prayers and compassion has caused my heart to be opened wide, renewed in its knowing of our basic human goodness, concern and caring for one another.

I’ve had offers of help, offers of whatever may be needed here in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy by PoSAs (partners of sex addicts) whom I’ve had the great fortune to know and work with. Some of you are colleagues, some are clients. To all of you, thank you for showering us with such kindness. I am incredibly moved by your huge hearts.

I spoke the other night with a colleague, a fellow PoSA Coach in Tucson. Jodi was gravely concerned after watching the News and called me. We ended up talking about how we both had gotten so used to storms since outer hurricanes mimic the internal storms we witness daily in our clients who are in the midst of having discovered sex addiction in their marriages/partnerships.

As I was walking home from a session that night after all of our city’s mass transit had been shut down in anticipation of the arriving storm, I watched the ominous clouds amassing in the sky above Manhattan. The huge trees in Central Park started being bent down by the wind, debris started flying around and I stood transfixed by an eddy of leaves and paper, dancing in a furious cyclone fifty feet up in the air.

As the skies darkened further and I got indoors, I watched as my city garden, planted on my sheltered set-back roof, was being battered by the relentless storm winds. Within an hour it was flattened. A wet and frightened cat, apparently lost, appeared at my roof window, meowing and begging to be let inside before the winds could pick it up and toss it over the edge. And everywhere- the sound of ambulances and firetrucks, a wailing of sirens amidst the howling wind.

I thought about how very much like Discovery this was. The world goes upside down and nothing makes sense anymore. Assurance of our safety flies out the window, replaced by a flood of fear that rushes through us at all hours of the day and night, making sleep or rest impossible. One cannot find an anchor to which one can hold tight because one can no longer trust that anything is what it seemed to be before the storm hit. The person one would most trust in an outer storm is now the cause of the inner storm, the person from which one must actually shield oneself against. The only sure bet is that buying stock in Kleenex would probably be a sound investment for the days to come.

No wonder outer storms leave me pretty unfazed nowadays. Yes, they’re fearsome and create huge swaths of destruction, but clean-up will still happen and in a few weeks or months, life will resume as normal, as it was before.

In many or even most cases, there will be no evidence remaining of the prior storm and everything will even have the gleam of the “new” on it: new bridges, new homes built, shiny fresh neighborhoods with new trees planted.

In our life as PoSAs, such a day does not arrive after our personal storm has struck and devastated us. At least not for a very long time.

In a real hurricane, one of the most heart-warming aspects is how it brings people together to help each other. Everyone shares resources, rolls up their sleeves, food drives are organized, goodwill is seen in abundance, there are hugs all around. The whole country raises money to help you rebuild, and churches on every corner are holding prayer vigils for those affected.

When the storm called sex addiction invades your most cherished relationship, you are utterly alone, broken and terrified. Your intuition tells you you’d better ride this storm out without telling a single soul. And so you do. Although it is a death, the death of all you held dear, the sacredness of your partnership, no one brings you casseroles so you don’t have to cook for a few days. No one offers to babysit the kids while you get in your car and drive somewhere quiet to break down and sob. You are alone in your despair.

And hopefully you will find good support and help in the days after Discovery so you can start to stabilize yourself. Eventually you will rebuild your life, with or without the sex addict, but never without the scars left behind by that merciless storm.

For those of us who’ve weathered and survived our own sex-addiction hurricanes and now help others, we know the work has just begun. After surviving our own personal battles, we are out here working against great odds and amidst even greater opposition to deal with the bigger battle, the nearly-complete pornification of our culture and all the devastation it brings with it.

And so we soldier on, newly revitalized by the love and well-wishes of all of you during this time of outer storms. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your thoughtfulness and immense generosity of spirit. This is what heals the world, of that I am convinced.

May your darkest times be met with love and support,

Lili 

Jasmin’s story so viscerally conveys the pain every partner of a sex addict (PoSA) is all too familiar with, as well as perfectly capturing the jagged terrain of early recovery from sex addiction. She also paints a harrowing picture of what we call the Sexual Exploitation Industry, which incurs colossal devastation to everyone involved.

Everyone here at Team Posarc was moved to tears reading this and I think you will be, too:

Singapore, June  2012

Hi Lili,

Thank you for your e-mail!  After reading it I have this incredible urge to just tell you everything I can about myself – so bear with me as I’m sure you’ve heard my story many times before.

I tried attending a CODA meeting here (no COSA or S-Anon currently in Singapore) and found it did not relate to me at all.  I had trouble saying. “Hi I’m Jasmin-  I’m co-dependent” because I’ve always told my husband that I didn’t agree with that label.  I can’t say, though, that I never knew about his addiction.

In fact I always knew there was something horribly wrong with my husband from the outset but I just thought he was a handsome serial cheat and that marriage would help him change his ways.

Of course, looking back (we’ve been together 21 years now) it got worse if anything – but that was just the progression of the disease.

We married in 1997 and it was slightly over 2 years later that I found out he was having sex with my live-in domestic helper (in Singapore it is common to have one, so I’m not a rich person by any means).  His explanation when I found out was that he was doing that because it was cheaper than going to prostitutes!

Devastated, I kicked him out of the house and during that time scoured the internet and came across a book by Patrick Carnes which I purchased through Amazon and sent to him.  He told me later he threw it away without reading it and rubbished any suggestion that he had a “problem” (I will later explain why men here think this is not a problem).

Three months after this incident we “reconciled”.  The following years were a series of heaven and hell and I always believed him when he said he had “slipped” just once and was going to stop doing that.

In 2006 I could no longer bear the ups and downs and I asked him to take a test for sex addiction which I found on the internet.  The results startled even him and he agreed to do something about his “problem”.

We found an SLAA group here.  There were about 5 members back then, no program and none of them were sober.  Somehow, my husband on his own, with no step work or sponsor managed a year of sobriety in 2008 after attending those meeting for almost 2 years.

That was the most loving and peaceful year we had in our entire relationship and I thought everything was behind us.  How wrong I was since the worst was yet to come.  When he broke his sobriety, he went into a downward spiral.

I knew things were turning bad and this time I could not face it so I went to a psychiatrist for help and he gave me 4 types of medications that kept me doped up and numb – which is exactly how I wanted it since I could not cope with the situation.  I worked very little, slept a lot but the “best” part was that it was hard to cry with all that medication.

After a year on it I realized I could no longer afford the monthly cost of the psychiatrist and the medication so I just stopped taking them.  This of course was also not a good idea because I became all too aware of the situation and became filled with all kinds of emotions, especially anger.

By this time my husband had spiraled so badly downward that his business took a dive, he was maxed out on credit cards and was totally uncommunicative with me except when we were arguing.

Cutting the story shorter, my wonderful brother who had witnessed all this over the years came to visit me one evening.  My new apartment was about to be ready (we had waited almost 7 years for it to be built) and my brother asked me to think if this was what I wanted.

He said that all he wanted was the best for me and that he would take good care of me, I didn’t have to work and could just take things easy but take a separation from my husband so I could see if this is the life I wanted to continue living.  Somewhere from deep inside me came the words “I don’t think I know what’s best for me anymore so I will do as you suggest”.

When I suggested the separation to my husband he was more than agreeable and told me not to worry, that “he’d make a come back”.  It became very clear that he had no intention of reconciling with me and a couple of months into the separation he asked me to get out of his car and leave him alone – he told me he had given up on himself and was resigned to his fate of being a sex addict.

This time I knew that I had done everything I could for almost 20 years and all that was left was to walk away and stop doing anything at all for him.

I went on a little trip so I could grieve but I also found it impossible to move on – I was in a kind of limbo – no going back and no going forward either.

A month later, he came to my door and asked me to let him move in.  Deep in my heart I knew it was because he just needed someone to take care of him and all the bills.  Yet,  all I wanted to do was to scream with joy and say yes but instead I collapsed in tears and a small voice from inside me said “no”.

He later told me that was a turning point when he decided to do something about his addiction.  He found a place nearby mine and visited me everyday after work.  We could barely speak as we didn’t know what to say and he seemed to be in a fog.  He was definitely not the same person I once knew.

On one of the days he came by after work, he walked in on me lying on my bed crying.  He had seen me cry plenty of times before so I don’t know what was different about this time but he said in that moment seeing me on the bed, he told himself he could not do this to me anymore and that if he could not do it for himself, he wanted to do it for me. He said something inside him turned, and he wanted to really change.

We had just started going back to church and he had signed up to sing in the worship team.  He asked his music ministry leader for help and she got us a church counselor as by then he could not afford private counseling.  He started attending SLAA meetings again – this time it was different. There were people sober and so he got himself a sponsor.

He did many things (this time I did nothing because I had already tried all those things before and I realized they had to be at his initiative rather than my suggestion).  Once again cutting this long story short – today he is exactly 17 months sober – he just got back from a meeting when he received loud applause for his 17th month anniversary.

Yes I am happy today.  But today I am also still aware that this is one day at a time.  I know I am happy because he is doing well and I am also aware that I will be devastated once again should he slip or relapse.  This is why I really want and need to set up the group and work towards healing the past as well as trying to work on being a whole person, regardless of how the marriage turns out.

Lili, I am full of hope – it’s true.  I’ve never seen my husband so happy and so present.  He is now sponsor for 3 others and every meeting more and more people ask him to sponsor them (but he can’t take them all or he will dilute his sponsorship).

However, there is still that little voice in me that says “what if” and the thought is horrifying if I’m being honest.

Throughout the time of my struggles, especially during the separation, I tried to seek counseling and there seems to be a marked lack of good help here because of the very poor understanding of this problem.  I called the centre where the SLAA meetings were held and they referred me to a counselor there.  During the meeting she interrupted my story to tell me her thoughts which were “Why are you so angry?  In fact I think you are the angriest person I ever met”!!!

The next counselor I went to see was an American male counselor who was a recovering co-dependent/alcoholic (20 years sober).  After 3 meetings, which I did not find were of any help, he asked me who I confided in or I could talk to.

I said I no longer kept in touch with friends because I felt I was being judged and anyway most of them were in happy, solid marriages and I could not bear to watch that since mine had crumbled in a pile of ruins.  I said I talked to my live in domestic helper (of course this is a different one from the one who had an affair with my husband).

He then told me instead of paying him $200 an hour to talk to him, I could just talk to her for free!  I was not sure then if that is how counseling works but I thought I must be such a hopeless case that even counselors think they cannot help me.

Eventually I just started reading anything I could over the internet and I gained some understanding.  12 years after first seeing the book, I have just finished reading Out of the Shadows.  I will next order a copy of Your Sexually Addicted Spouse as it’s been recommended a few times now!

I had always asked my husband if any of the wives wanted to meet and he raised it at the meetings but one of the senior members was not in favor of it because he thought it might become a “bitching” session if there was no structure.  I told my husband, “Well first we have to meet, then we can form a structure right?”

Eventually one of the guys approached my husband privately and said his wife was in pain and asked if he could arrange for her to meet me.  We met and shared for hours and hours – and it felt really very good to finally have a chance to speak to someone who’s going through a similar experience.

Then another 2 ladies joined us.  All the other 3 have only recently found out about their husbands addictions so I feel a bit odd that I’m the only one who has “always known”.  In fact at counseling my husband once said he could not understand why I seemed to know “everything”.  Our counselor called me the marriage barometer!

He took me back to the place where I went to grieve the loss of our marriage so he could “change the memory” – another idea of his which is that when we go somewhere that holds bad memories for me he will do something lovely to change the memory.  It’s been very helpful actually, especially at the beginning.

Yes, Singapore is an exciting city.  It is also a candy store for sex addicts.   You see Lili, prostitution is legal in Singapore.  We have licensed brothels that are openly available.  Men can go in to these place and choose a young Asian girl from the many cubicles they sit in and for as little as US$35.00 will get a shower and sex.  This is just one part.

We also have something else here called “4 floors of whores” where prostitutes from all over Asia work illegally (and in full view of the law, mind you) in various bars in a place known as ——.  The men go in and watch the dancing and can pick up the girls and take them home.

This does not include many other areas which have similar bars where men can have sex inside these places either in a private room or in full view of others.

Then there are online brothels which are a thriving business – this avenue started when the anti-vice squad decided to clean up the street walkers off the area where the licensed brothels were operating.

Of course I should not forget to mention that in many shopping malls and just regular suburban shops you can find massage parlours and ‘health centers’ where you can have a massage and any form of sexual service you want.  We are not called SIN-gapore for nothing!

So many people come here to work and live with their families thinking this is a clean, green and safe country.  Many expatriate wives are unaware of the darkness here and are quite shocked that such places even exist.

I don’t know where else in the world you can go to a “full-service” massage parlour in the same building as you work (and some of these are prestigious buildings right in the heart of the central business district).  Orchard Road, famed overseas as a shopping belt is crawling with such places side by side with places that sell clothes and shoes!

It is unfathomable that this goes in full view of everyone. Most local women know about this but turn a blind eye- but there are many unsuspecting women who come here without even realizing what really goes on in the midst of normalcy.

Culturally, prostitution is very much a part of every day life here.  I think, of late, there have been some high profile cases of addiction exposed, such as Tiger Woods, so sex addiction has gotten a little attention here and there in the press.

Recently, my husband tells me that at least 2 new people seek to join his recovery group every week.  When he first went back to the group over a year ago there were maybe less than 10 members.  Now they are at least 30 strong and their meeting room is becoming too small to accommodate them.

They started with just one meeting and now are up to 4 well-attended meetings every week.  I believe we will see more men coming forward as people become aware of the devastating effects of this addiction.  Currently men who get caught for indecent acts or sex with underaged prostitutes are just called perverts here.  It’s like back in the 80’s with AIDS where ignorance was the order of the day.

I have written to ministers and newspapers and write in forums about this but I’m mostly laughed at or ignored because most men here feel there is absolutely nothing wrong with paid sex so long as you don’t flaunt it in your wife’s face.  Many of my husband’s “friends” tell him their wives know and accept that “boys will be boys”.

Lili, I really want to thank you & Posarc.com for all your help – just imagine, we live in different countries, have never met and yet our lives are connected through a shared experience.  We are very humbled that you have reached out to us to help us along so that we can grow into a group that can bring not just relief but healing to others as we ourselves seek to heal.

Best regards,

jasmin

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We’d like to thank Jasmin  for so generously sharing her story with us and we’d also like to  invite our readers to share their responses to this blogpost here in the Comments section……Thanks to all…..

Though we don’t normally run ads on this site, I feel this Retreat/Workshop given at Dr. Minwalla’s center, would be well worth knowing about and attending.

Please take a look and think about anyone else you know who may be suffering the effects of sex addiction in their marriage or partnership.
I can personally attest to Dr. Minwalla’s program being aligned with the way we at PoSARC see ourselves: as survivors of sex addicts.

We at PoSARC know that we are trauma survivors, left with our own compound wounds created by the severe relational ruptures of chronic infidelity.

Finally, there is a Workshop that will address the myriad issues we face, only this time instead of labeling us codependent or co-addicted, or alluding to our knowing about and colluding on some level with the addict’s behaviors, we are being treated with compassion, as victims of a cruel disease that usually leaves us decimated.

We are proud to present this Workshop and know that you will benefit from the healing approaches that are being offered there.

Institute for Sexual Health
July 16-21: Partners and Spouses Impacted by Sex Addiction Six-Day Clinical Intensive

ISH offers its highly innovative Six-Day education and support intensive for partners impacted by sex addiction and compulsivity. Our partner-centered curriculum provides vital information and support regarding sex addiction-induced trauma. The intensive involves a structured, organized group process of the 12 dimensions of trauma often experienced by partners and spouses impacted by sex addiction. Our program addresses the psychological, emotional, sexual, relational, and treatment needs of partners and spouses. The program also integrates expressive therapies and trauma-based regulation. The intensive utilizes an empowerment model that is designed to optimize safety, validation, empathy, support, and resiliency.

ISH is a strong advocate for evolution in the field towards a model that recognizes and treats the significant trauma symptoms (C-PTSD) experienced by partners that results directly from the consequences of sex addiction and compulsive sexual behavior and the associated patterns of relational perpetration, violation and covert abuse in the context of an intimate relationship. We do not endorse or use a "co-sex addiction" model to understand or treat a partner or spouse impacted by sex addiction and patterns of relational violation.

Dates for Partners Impacted by Sex Addiction Intensive:
July 16 -21, 2012

Treatment Schedule:

• Program Length: 6 consecutive days
• Daily Attendance: 6-9 Hours per days

Click here or call 310-286-1300 for more information.

Location:
400 S. Beverly Drive,
Ste 316
Beverly Hills, CA 90212
310-286-1300

Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity

By Robert Jensen, Ph.D.

Note: parts of this review are graphic and may trigger PoSAs (Partners of Sex Addicts).

So Why Would a PoSA Read Yet Another Book on Pornography?

Because Jensen provides a social context for exactly what pornography is and is not. Those of us that have been hurt by the industry can more fully understand the enormity, power and sheer duplicity of this heinous, pervasive and powerful industry. Just understanding that it is an industry is important to PoSAs. Knowing pornography’s real intent (use) towards women is critical information.

Because Jensen’s book provides implicit counterarguments to the porn industry’s/users’ justifications for porn usage, which are usually a variation on the following themes:

• Porn is a first amendment/free speech issue
• It isn’t cheating/it’s just pixels
• It isn’t dehumanizing/objectifying
• I’m exploring my fantasy life “safely”/I’m able to discern the difference between fantasy and reality
• All guys use porn/boys will be boys
• God made me this way/it is natural for men to need variety
• The women in porn choose to do that work/performing in porn is more empowering for a woman than a low wage job
• I love women, I am just admiring their beauty
• Well, you are not always in the mood/don’t like to (fill-in-the-blank)/aren’t here/gained weight/gotten out of shape
• It relaxes me/I need my “me” time
• There have always been pornographic images throughout history
• It’s free, I don’t waste money on paid sites/in strip clubs/with hookers/cavort with “actresses” on interactive sites

Need more whys?

~Because Jensen wrote a book about pornography that only a man could write. He deftly debunks the prevailing male insistence that women do not understand the very fundamentals about what it means to be a man.

~Because Jensen goes on to further expose the essential dishonesty of the justifications above. Jensen rejects the accepted masculinity that can objectify, dehumanize and use women for the pleasure of men.

~Because Jensen rigorously investigates the porn industry and then implicates the porn consumer as part of porn creation—creating the demand and profitability. Jensen puts the onus of pornography upon the users and creators and off of PoSAs. Amen.

Masculine: Mature and Immature

The masculine that views pornography is a very immature masculine, emotionally and empathetically hampered, deeply dependent upon hierarchies and seeking power-over, conquests, if you will. I will come right out and state that I believe that men who use porn hate women, albeit their hatred is eroticized and not as easily identified as hatred. Which is exactly the point. The hatred is meant to be hidden—the process of eroticizing emotions is well discussed elsewhere. For example: http://www.markdanner.com/articles/show/121

The mature masculine stands beside the feminine in mutual reverence. The thought of ejaculating onto her face is utterly repulsive to the mature masculine. Is this the last hurrah of the immature masculine or is mature masculinity a pipe dream? The results hang in the balance, it could go either way.

Masculinity is not inherently bad, it is the immature masculine with the full power of the patriarchy behind it that creates and promotes pornography. Jensen rejects this immature masculinity while taking full accounting of the damage the porn industry does to women, all women.

Choice is Not a Toggle Switch

The chapter (pp. 79–95), on the topic of choice, Choices, His and Hers, is truly enlightening and provide a strong response to the oft-heard porn defenders’ “well, those girls chose to be in porn.”

Choice is not a toggle switch of yes/no or on/off. Choice is much more nuanced than the simple final result. Frequently, coercion is disguised quite cleverly; sometimes-blunt force is used; sometimes the bruises are upon the spirit; and sometimes the bruises are around financial survival. Jensen’s examination of choice is perhaps the most critical information in the book, affecting far more than the topic of porn. Viewed from the vantage point of the chooser, not the observer, the concept of choice reveals its complexity.

If for no other reason, this volume should be required reading for the more mature concept that choice is nuanced, rather than static and one-dimensional.

Conclusion

Parts of Getting Off are disturbingly graphic—actually, a lot of Getting Off is disturbing, revealing the inhumanity of the porn industry and porn users. This is not a feel-good book. This book educates and clarifies the truths about the porn industry and its effects on our culture. That is one very tall order given that the porn industry spends vast amounts of money spreading lies and distractions meant to disguise the real effects of its products all wrapped in freedom-of-speech wrapping paper. Oh, yes, pornographers are true constitutional patriots, just ask them.

I recommend reading Getting Off very slowly to integrate the magnitude of its information and message. Even re-reading it is difficult. Thinking of the real women who actually had to experience the acts in the porn films described made me nauseous both readings of this 196-page volume. Knowing that real men masturbate to this stuff and destroy real women’s hearts and lives with it broke my heart all over again.

The production and consumption of pornography affects real women. Pornography is about power and contempt—eroticized power-over hatred. Men do and women are done to. Men are the subjects performing the actions upon women, the subjects; this script is immutable, fixed. That set-up is exactly what the pornography industry is selling and does not want its dirty little secret to be well known. Ergo, the lies, distractions and objections which are meant to send partners and wives (PoSAs) into a defensive stance.

You may put Getting Off down feeling very discouraged. However, upon finishing it, you will understand exactly what porn is and the lies that the porn industry hopes you will believe. Also, you will know that some men understand what is being done to women vis-à-vis porn. Finally, you will be informed and able to take a stand when confronted with the porn industry’s rhetoric.

Getting Off provided much-needed light during some of my darkest hours, I am ever so grateful to Dr. Jensen for his unfailing truth-telling. Thank you, Dr. Jensen in a thousand languages. Lest we forget, this Hustler cover speaks for itself, starkly delivering the real message of porn:

Terre Spencer 2012

PornHarms.com has an initiative to boycott Groupon and we at PoSARC fully support that effort. If you have never been a clicktivist, this might be a good place to begin. Clicktivism is signing an online petition to register your position. And it is effective. We at PoSARC are asking you to both sign this petition and boycott Groupon until they change their existing policies.

You may already enjoy saving money using Groupon. Who doesn’t like to save money? Who doesn’t like to use coupons? However, Groupon is currently offering sex tourism in San Francisco and, more dangerously, promoting the normalization of porn by doing so. We fully support PornHarms in both their boycott and petition to ask Groupon to cease and desist with such offerings.

For us, the incremental savings that Groupon offers comes at the cost of an ever more pornified culture, which is a really bad bargain for PoSAs (Partners of Sex Addicts). From Porn Harm’s petition link:

For the second time, Groupon has sent out thousands of emails to individuals advertising a tour where people can view a live filming of sadomasochistic, torture porn at Kink’s studios. Groupon even advertises that groups may get to see a live filming in progress. When confronted about their choice to feature this company, Groupon defended it, saying that they “thoroughly vet the featured businesses…fortunately, this business has proven to be a responsible member of their community.”

This “responsible member of the community” specializes in the live filming of “young, sexy teens who are overwhelmed and outnumbered by men…who need to learn a lesson by multiple men;” of women being “bound, whipped, objectified and humiliated. They are immobilized, caged and humiliated as objects; of women “suspended and tied in rope bondage…tormented beyond all reason;” and of women “naked, tied up, bound, punished, exposed in public…who are taken to public bars for public sex and public humiliation….”

The material in italics and quotations are the exact words written by the porn producer that Groupon is promoting.

Is this really corporate responsibility? Shouldn’t we demand that Groupon refrain from selling torture porn tours that exploit and degrade women?

Revolting. So what is next, Groupon sells the chance to be an actor on the live sets? Or porn tours are added to family vacation packages? The process of ever-encroaching porn offerings to more and more mainstream venues is called normalization. And we staunchly object to anything that smacks of such increased normalization. Porn is already far too normalized.

No, this is where we draw the line: No public tours at porn studios, Groupon!

We PoSAs know that porn is inherently exploitative of both the performers and the men who use porn, not to mention their partners and families. Groupon’s sad acceptance of porn as a “responsible member of the community” can be countered by signing the petition.

How can a “responsible member of the community” humiliate and exploit girls and women through such degradation? Porn is a wholly misogynistic industry and there is nothing responsible about that whatsoever. Groupon has no business justifying the acceptability of porn tours, and, until they change their stance, we want nothing to do with Groupon.

No savings is worth furthering and normalizing porn. We must speak to Groupon in the language that it understands, by refusing to do business with any businesses that promote and normalize the disgusting porn industry (boycott) and sending them a direct message stating that position (signing the petition). Vote with your wallet by refusing to participate in this.

This is not the world that we want to be considered normal and/or acceptable. Nor do we want to be associated with s business that promotes sex tourism and the normalization of porn. If you agree, be a clicktivist, and please sign this petition: http://bit.ly/HSEA1G

Lili and Terre will be presenting about Posarc and the many ways a partner’s use of porn harms us.

You’ll have a chance to ask us your pressing questions and chat with other participants. We’re going to share our deeply personal experiences and process.

If porn has invaded your relationship or you would like more information,  please join us on Tuesday, April 17^th, 3:00 EDT for a live event via Facebook (you can view anonymously without logging in but you must log in to participate in the chat or ask questions).

http://on.fb.me/qbIz7j

We’re excited to meet you all!

Results from Informal Groups Tell the (Inspiring)
Truth by Lili Bee 4-6-12

I have been in ongoing talks with two friends, both medical doctors, both of whom have been adversely affected by pornography. One doctor is a recovering porn addict, the other is the spouse of an addict.

We talk, these two doctors and I, about the effects of porn use, and especially the current medical procedures for treating patients presenting with the effects of porn usage.

Patients coming to see doctors with porn-associated symptoms aren’t being given information that might help them get appropriate treatment; treatment for addiction. Mostly, patients are being prescribed medications: antidepressants, anti-anxiety and erectile enhancers. We have some strong opinions about the current approach, so, naturally, we discuss solutions. We agreed that a website to disseminate information on the effects of internet pornography—especially to the medical community, who are not training medical students in becoming aware of the effects of porn addiction/compulsive use—would be the most effective of all the solutions that we have discussed.

The three of us talk about the nearly complete dearth of current research that would verify the existence of porn addiction. The research that does exist is mostly interview or questionnaire-type research. The few recently published research papers involve young people who grew up on internet-streamed porn. They’re asked about general sexual attitudes or if porn use led to deviant sexual practices. This is not even bad research, this is horrid research. The quality of research questions determines the quality of the research. Period. One has to wonder, how many participants are going to contribute needed information in the face of such useless and non-specific questions.

There are no control groups, no brain studies, no addiction questionnaires, no data on the effects of stopping porn. Mostly just, “How do you feel about it?” or “Has it caused you to commit any crimes?”

We’re writers, too, and need good data to substantiate what we already know to be true about habitual internet porn use: it is not just a harmless past-time. It’s difficult to not ponder why there is research being conducted on topics with far less important implications than documenting porn use—an activity that nearly every young person is engaging in daily might have serious, negative, long-term effects on them.

Does the lack of research have its roots in political and/or financial issues? Or is it because the porn/sex industries are incredibly lucrative businesses? And that no one wants to fund research that bring the wrath of that industry to bear? What exactly was driving the lack of research being conducted on such a critically important topic?

While we were pondering all this, I received an email from Marnia Robinson, a colleague and writer for Psychology Today. She reports that in her husband, Gary Wilson’s new article, that research about the effects of high-speed internet porn use has already sprung up in a grass-roots kind of way:

Seems that thousands of young guys are giving up internet porn and noticing the benefits. That movement is spreading around the world and being reported on blogs and websites not even connected to any kind of addiction recovery or medical training. Now, that’s intriguing to us. Finally, real-life-tested research that demonstrates what our favorite educational site on porn addiction has been saying all along: http://www.yourbrainonporn.com. For a fascinating read, check out Gary Wilson’s article:

The Other Porn Experiment: What can informal control groups of former porn users show us?
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201203/the-other-porn-experiment.

Meanwhile my two doctor friends and I contemplate that website for medical education. Patients need to be able to turn to the medical profession for addiction treatment. We want to do everything humanly possible to make sure that the medical profession has the information needed to help every addiction sufferer.

Have you experienced any aspects of this? What are your thoughts? Please comment below!

Have you ever struggled to convey how deeply porn use disturbs you without tripping over your words? Without stammering? What about when the points you want to make about it reflect very strong beliefs you hold, but the person you’re conversing with not only doesn’t agree, but they don’t even seem to care?

Anticipating just such trouble ahead, have you ever rehearsed your points beforehand so you can confront someone later, only to have your anger get the better of you and instead your husband (or partner) dismisses your concerns?

This was my experience for years as I tried to convince my porn-using then-partner about my views. I was desperate for him to stop, but for every reason I came up with to defend my values (and our relationship’s status as ‘monogamous’), he would come up with myriad reasons of his own to thoroughly discount my views. If I persisted, he would either implode or else say hurtful things. He did not want to be confronted—he was an addict, bent on defending his porn use.

So I went and talked to others about it, often men, and much of my upcoming book chronicles these conversations. I can honestly say I’ve never encountered a single other topic that is quite as contentious as the topic of pornography. How astounding that seems to me, since only twenty short years ago, one wouldn’t stoop so low as to even mention that word in public for fear of painting oneself with the brush of coarseness.

Nowadays it’s not only okay—it’s downright cool—to talk openly about pornography, so long as one isn’t opposed to it. Nope. Then, one must revert back to being very quiet about it or risk being ridiculed.

Yes, the majority of the public is amazingly susceptible to the media’s branding of this particular product as cool and good for you, and even somehow supportive of healthy relationships…and as such, many have learned that unless they want to become a pariah, it’s safer to keep mum about the obvious pornification all around them and/or the damage to themselves, their partners and their relationship, courtesy of porn.

And of course, as the greedy pornographers have done a brilliant marketing job of priming the environment, sexually speaking, for more, (capitalism’s favorite word) so one can now also talk about one’s favorite strip clubs as well, not needing to fear that one might cause offense. Again, you’re cool unless you object. Then you’re patently uncool.

Now imagine finding all of your most deeply-cherished points about why porn hurts, the ones you’ve tried unsuccessfully to articulate to your loved one, in print! Online, no less, for the entire world to see. Imagine the writer of said points, expressing everything you ever wanted to say, but said even more eloquently than you ever could in your attempts to get your spouse to at least listen?

Wouldn’t that be thoroughly satisfying? Imagine your concerns written about with such utter conviction, and without even the slightest trace of apology, that you couldn’t help after reading such words but do a snoopy dance in your bedroom after your spouse fell asleep?

Welcome to Rage Against the Man-Chine, my favorite not-at-all-guilty pleasure. The woman who writes this blog calls herself Nine Deuce and she’s whip smart, funny as hell, and suffers no fools and/or misogynists gladly. She also captures with a fierce clarity her perceptions of the world out there—or at least the world I live in—and I find myself simply astonished much of the time after reading her latest blog posts. And she’s not even a PoSA. She just “gets” the ten thousand ways porn hurts us and she’s not at all afraid to say so.

Although PoSARC is a secular and not political site, we weren’t working in this field for very long when we realized that because everything in life is interconnected, the personal very quickly becomes the political.

As a PoSA’s woundings often going on silently for years and with no allies whatsoever, she may desperately seek answers to make sense of the craziness of life with a sexual compulsive. Our wounding as PoSAs can also lead us to understand the overall system that has brainwashed not just our man, but entire generations of men (and now, women) into the unquestioned use of pornography and progressive predatory sexual behaviors—like strip club use, affairs, anonymous sex and more.

What thought systems, then, can answer the question of how a perfectly honorable man can become so completely disconnected from every single value he held dear before he discovered high-speed internet porn? Yes, one answer is that he may be an addict. But addiction, especially when it’s widespread like pornography is, is also happening inside a larger cultural milieu.

In my quest to answer that question for myself, to help me make sense of the undeniable fact that I was losing my porn-addicted partner to his drug, I discovered, and then delved deeper into, one system of thought that held often-brilliant answers. Answers that knit together so many disparate pieces that it all started to make sense to me.

What forces, I started asking myself, were at work that were hijacking our men, sometimes even seemingly against their stated will? Why and how was this addiction becoming epidemic, taking down marriages and costing men their reputations, jobs, and more?

If you’re interested in the rad-fem answer to those questions, you’re about to find out. I offer you NineDeuce’s take on pornography here because radical feminism offers a unique lens from which to view this topic.

This reprint here is Part Three of an Eleven-part series Nine Deuce wrote on porn. Although you can find the other parts of the series on her blog which we’ve hyperlinked, here the focus is on the way porn use can hurt us partners and the relationship.

NineDeuce nails the damages that porn does to women. And does so beautifully. I offer it here (with her permission for the full reprint) in the hopes you can feel the relief I feel and snoopy dance with me as I read her words.

Perhaps it will embolden you if you find yourself weakened by the sexual compulsive in your own life, or the ever-louder chorus out there that tries to tell us we may not object to porn, as it’s “a man’s right”. Ri-i-i-i-i-i-ght!

Drumroll, please…

(Note: Nine Deuce writes with judicious use of a few little expletives, in all the right places, of course. I don’t find her occasional use of these expletives gratuitous in the least; however, if that kind of thing offends you, consider yourself warned.

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Why Porn Isn’t Cool—Real People Have Feelings

by NineDeuce

(Part 3 in the porn series)

I’ll say it again: Pornography hurts people. It destroys relationships, prevents people from developing healthy sex lives, cripples the sense of empathy, and generally hinders people’s ability to form the kinds of connections that make life interesting and worthwhile.

There are a lot of reasons not to use porn, but in this post I’ll stick to how it negatively affects peoples’ relationships and prevents people from developing the kinds of sexual relationships they hope to.

Women know most men watch porn. There are a few women who have absorbed the message that they are here to be used sexually to the point that they, too, get aroused by watching porn (more on this later), but most women are at least mildly bothered by pornography, whether they want to admit it out loud or not. A lot of women have been told so many times that men have some kind of “right” to use pornography that they will tolerate it in their relationships despite the fact that it hurts their feelings. Still other women will make it clear to their partners that they will not tolerate pornography in their relationships, only to find out after some time that their partner has been lying to them and using it anyway. Then there are the women who find men who will respect their wishes and not use pornography, but these women usually still worry that their partners’ previous use of pornography has created desires and expectations that they can’t or don’t want to fulfill.

I’ve never dated anyone who used porn openly in our relationship, but I have a sense of empathy, so I can tell you what it probably feels like. I know that a large majority of women in my mother’s generation tolerated the existence of Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler in their bathrooms, but I never found such a magazine in my house as a child, and I’d like to think that the reason was that my father cared for my mother’s feelings and didn’t want to do something that would hurt her. Or maybe once I was born he began to look at the women in pornography as other men’s daughters. I never asked, but I do know that porn was not a part of my life while I was growing up and that I am glad it wasn’t. Other women grew up in houses where it was assumed that men had a “right” to look at images of naked women who weren’t their wives, so they expected their partners to do the same when they got older, even though they were just as uncomfortable with porn as their mothers were.

It isn’t jealousy that lies at the center of women’s aversion to porn. Men want to paint it in such a light because it removes the responsibility for the damage porn use creates from them and places it on their partners. That is patently dishonest and unfair, and places a double burden on the woman. Not only does she have to tolerate having her feelings ignored and her presence disrespected in her own home (or in her own relationship), but she has to feel guilty for her own natural discomfort and conceive of her own rightful vexation as a character flaw. That’s what pornography does to women: it brings a huge set of worrisome issues into their lives, then tries to blame them for the fact that they are bothered.

When women see pornography, whether they’ve thought about it or not, they instinctively recognize that the women they are seeing are not being treated like human beings, that they do not want to be treated like the women in porn are treated, that the men they have sex with might be looking at them the way they must look at the women in pornography, and that their partners might not ever be satisfied with them unless they allow themselves to be treated thusly. It is understandable that women would not wish to have their partners use pornography, considering these factors, but when they object, they’re told that they’re being catty and jealous, and that “boys will be boys,” which is something they’ll just have to live with. Think for a second about the mental turmoil that can cause. Men who use pornography in relationships are basically telling their partners that they care more about their bullshit “right” to use images of women being exploited sexually than they do about their partner’s emotional comfort in the relationship. It’s not only insensitive, but it’s also evidence of a disgustingly arrogant sense of entitlement.

It’s easy enough to empathize with women who have to deal with a partner who refuses to stop using porn despite the fact that it hurts her feelings. What about the woman who believes she’s in a relationship with a man who cares enough about her feelings to stop using porn, only to find out he’s been lying to her about it? Finding out someone has been using pornography and lying about it is akin to finding out they’ve been having an affair. It’s a betrayal in a very serious sense because it means that that person has decided that their desire to do something is more important than the negative impact it will have on their relationship and their partner’s feelings. A woman who discovers her partner has been lying to her about using porn comes to several disturbing realizations. First, she discovers that he cares more about his supposed “right” to use women’s bodies as masturbatory tools than he does about her feelings. Second, she realizes that he has been using women outside of the relationship in a sexual way by proxy. Third, she discovers that he does not see women, including her, the way she thought he did; once a woman discovers that her partner uses pornography, she has to admit that they never saw eye-to-eye on women’s status as human beings in relation to men. At best, that means she has to admit that her partner has a madonna/whore complex, and worse, she has to accept the fact that he doesn’t see her as a full human being but rather a set of essentialized characteristics. Fourth, she may look back over their sexual relationship and remember things that suggest that her partner was treating her or thinking about her like the women are treated and thought about in porn. At a minimum, she will begin to doubt every aspect of her sexual relationship and wonder whether it was ever based on true affection. Fifth, she has to compare herself to the kinds of women one most often sees in porn, and will likely begin to have doubts about how attractive she is or has been to her partner, and will also likely begin to have serious self-esteem problems and self-doubt that she didn’t have before. Finally, she will wonder how she can stay in a relationship in which her trust has been violated and in which she will never be sure that she is seen as a full human being.

What about the “lucky” women who find someone who actually does respect their feelings and does not use porn in the relationship? Good deal for those women, right? It would be, but there is always the lingering worry that their partner has been exposed to pornography, has absorbed its messages, and secretly wishes to recreate what he’s seen in porn. She will always wonder whether she is actually attractive to him, she will always compare herself to the kinds of women he has masturbated to all his life, she will always wonder whether he secretly desires more of the kinds of scenarios he has used to reach orgasm since boyhood. And rightly so. Orgasm is an extremely powerful conditioning device. What we pair with orgasm we tend to prefer. Or maybe she’ll wonder whether she ought to distance herself as much as possible from the kinds of sex he has seen in porn. Maybe he thinks there are “two kinds of women,” and only the good ones, the non-whores, are worthy of dating, while the other types are there for him to use sexually via the internet. Either way, she won’t feel free to express her own sexuality naturally.

Women in all of these types of relationships are stuck in a terrible conundrum: they want their sexual relationships to be loving and special, and therefore they probably want to make their partners happy, but they worry that doing so would require them to allow themselves to be treated like women are treated in porn. In all of these cases, the entirety of the issue revolves around men’s sexuality and their sexual desires, with women having to conform their own sexual behaviors to the desires pornography and the madonna/whore complex have created in men. Women’s sexuality is entirely absent from the picture (more on that in the next post).

Men who use porn often approach their sexual experiences in vastly different ways from men who don’t. I’ve met plenty of dudes who claim that they can make the distinction between porn and real life, but I don’t believe it’s as easy as all that. There is a clearly one-sided dynamic in porn in which the woman is there to fulfill the desires of the man, not the other way around. The fact that she pretends to be pumped about whatever she’s doing is just another part of that dynamic; actual depictions of female pleasure in porn are about as common as Civil War re-enacters that aren’t racists, but men expect women to look enthusiastic about what’s being done to them in porn, or else it just isn’t fun. I mean, who wants to feel guilty about using someone like a blow-up doll? In porn, the woman’s body is there for the viewing and for the using, and it is moved around and positioned for the pleasure of the man. Female pleasure is at best a niche interest, and is most often either completely disregarded or faked for the man’s enjoyment. There’s no love in porn, either. It’s purely about male lust and female acquiescence, and that’s the mild stuff. I won’t even begin to get into the ever-increasing array of porn that features women being choked, having their heads shoved into toilets, or being slapped and called filthy names. I’m not going to claim that men who watch porn will come to bed with real women and recreate what they’ve seen in porn down to the last detail, but I will argue that having your orgasm tied to such images over long periods of time tends to seep into real sexual experiences. Men often unknowingly treat their partners in ways that make them uncomfortable because they’ve had more experience seeing how the women in porn react to certain behaviors than they have with real women. Any woman can tell whether the man she’s sleeping with is a serious porn user. What more proof do you need?

Pornography creates conflicting expectations that destroy the ability for men and women to meet as equals and use their sexuality to express their affection for each other. It creates dichotomies that force women to sublimate their own sexual desires in order to fulfill one of two restrictive and limiting (and usually unsatisfying) roles in sexual relationships with men. It destroys women’s sexual confidence, their sense of emotional and sexual security in their relationships, and their self-esteem. Doesn’t it make sense that a woman who feels secure and comfortable in her sexuality would be more fun to sleep with? If for selfish reasons only, men ought to give that some thought.

Porn breeds shame and fear for men and for women, which drastically impairs communication, and it cripples men and women’s ability to understand each other’s sexuality. That turns out to be a seriously shitty deal for women, but it’s even a lame trade-off for men. The influence of pornography prevents men from experiencing their sexuality and that of women in any but the most limited of ways. I promise, real female sexuality is WAY more interesting than the ridiculously one-dimensional representations of it in porn. Ask any dude who has taken the time to find out. Allowing porn to hinder one’s ability to experience all that human sexuality has to offer is like trading a video game about driving for a Ferrari (I like getting to bring up Ferraris — it makes me think about 1985, plus I felt it was time to stop being so serious). It’s just dumb. Regardless of the ethical and moral reasons to avoid porn, men ought to avoid it for their own benefit if not that of the women they care about.

To be continued…

To read the rest of Nine Deuce’s series on porn, plus lots more, go here.

(Thank you, Nine Deuce from all of us at Team PoSARC!) So, dear readers, your thoughts?

After much preparation, the new PoSARC site is now ready to be unveiled!

Team PoSARC has been hard at work since November to update our look, content and create new features so that as we’re growing, we’re able to meet the requests that many of you have sent in.

We have a whole new look and feel, with easy scrolling for our featured content so you no longer have to dig around the site to find what you’re looking for.

But what I’m most excited about our two brand new additions to the site:

First, we have a new Team PoSARC member on board, Sonia Levine.

Sonia is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), Certified Multiple Addictions Therapist, (CMAT) and psychotherapist who specializes in treating addiction, trauma and codependence.

Sonia’s training and background include working as a primary therapist at the Meadows in Wickenburg, Arizona where her therapy focused on treating patients with sexual addiction, as well as their spouses/partners and families. While there, she was trained and supervised by Pia Mellody, author of Facing Codependence and Facing Love Addiction, Claudia Black, author of It will Never Happen to Me and Deceived, and Maureen Canning, author of Love, Lust and Anger.

Sonia is presently studying with the Somatic Experiencing Trauma Institute to become a practitioner (SEP), a trauma resolution therapy developed by Dr. Peter Levine.  In addition, she is also currently working toward certification as a Connections facilitator, an evidence-based treatment for shame resiliency, developed by Dr. Brené Brown.

When I got the call that Sonia wanted to join our team, my whole day brightened, actually my whole week. In fact, I haven’t gotten un-excited about this development because Sonia is interested in the very healing approaches that utilize many of the treatment modalities that we believe in at PoSARC. She is also one of the newer guards of therapists who employ the Trauma Model for those affected by the sex addiction of a spouse or partner.

We know how crippling the effects of unconscious and unhealed shame is, both for the PoSA, (partner of the sex addict/compulsive), as well as the shame that operates in the sex addicts SACs, (sex addicts/compulsives), themselves. I am looking forward to interviewing Sonia here on the blog, to avail our readers of the latest approaches to healing shame and trauma in their lives.

I personally feel Somatic Experiencing and Shame Work are just now edging up over the horizon as cutting edge modalities that can create effective, long-term healing in those who are suffering the traumatic effects of infidelity and addiction. We are so fortunate Sonia is part of our team now!

As her schedule permits, Sonia will also be available for private sessions. Her contact info is in the Bio section of the site.

The second thing we’re excited about here is the creation of a new feature:
Help for the Sex Addict/Compulsive (SAC).

It is said that four out of five SACs come into recovery as a direct result of their partner’s urging. And indeed, we’ve had many requests from partners for solid resources they can help their loved one with who struggles with sexual compulsion.

But please know that because PoSARC remains dedicated, first and foremost, to helping those hurt by the sexual infidelities of their partners, we can assure you that our content will always be PoSA-sensitive!

Maybe I’m not alone in this: when I first had discovery about my own partner’s secret life, I was so shocked, and then overcome with questions for him, about his behaviors. What infuriated me was that he could offer up no clear answers for me. He seemed more confused about his actions than I was!

And so I searched every website I could, especially those for addicts, trying to find a window into how they think, how they could do what they do and then come home to us like nothing happened, like they didn’t just betray us. Was I the only one who felt completely spun by this horrific aspect of sexual compulsivity? Since then, I have sadly discovered that I certainly was not.

So we at PoSARC will aim to create resources that not only help the addict, but also provide that window for the PoSA that more lucidly informs the ways the addiction affected their addict and what recovery even looks like. Maybe you’ll even take heart that there are some addicts in recovery who are forging a path for others to follow.

And as ever, you’ll be able to direct your most vexing questions right to the addict in recovery on our Ask A Sex Addict in-Recovery feature.

And there are more new features, too, but we can’t tell you everything—we want to invite you to explore our new site for yourself!

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So we are asking you, the PoSAs, What has your own healing journey (or those of your clients) been in need of, that you’ve had trouble locating?

Please give us your feedback on the new site, and let us know what topics of interest you’d like to see at PoSARC. We will do our level best to consider your suggested topics.

Team PoSARC thanks you all for your support!

And please do follow us on Twitter and Facebook. (links)